I've been re-reading Gretchen Rubin's book, The Happiness Project each month. Her focus for March was aiming higher in her work. Her weekly goals included
- Launch a blog
- Enjoy the fun of failure
- Ask for help
- Work smart
- Enjoy now
I might have been tempted to skip over this chapter; after all, I'm retired! But I never saw myself doing nothing after I left work, I always intended to pursue all those varied interests for which working didn't leave me sufficient time or energy. As it happens there is much wisdom to mine from this chapter.
She talks about how happy people perform better than unhappy ones. It seems pretty obvious to me. She points out that people who enjoy their work don't need to rely on the success/rewards that may or may not come at the end; they've enjoyed the journey. However, she also talks about having changed her career from law to writing on the basis that she didn't read about lawyerly things for fun like her colleagues did; she wrote books for fun. She says:
I love writing, reading, research, note taking, analysis, and critcism...I've always spent most of my free time reading. I take voluminous notes for not apparently reason. I majored in English...
In these statements she could be my twin; well, I almost majored in English. I just couldn't see what I would do for a living other than teach. Perhaps I should have pursued a writing career, but as it happened I found a job that I loved. It involved giving advice to people on the phone, collection and analysis of data to solve problems, writing reports and public speaking. I even liked meetings because I learned loads at them. In fact, the best thing was that my work involved continuous learning and then sharing of knowledge. So, I think I found the work that I was meant to find. Sadly, it just wasn't quite as much fun to do here in Britain, but never mind. I get to do many of these things in writing my blog, just about a whole bunch of different topics. So, obviously, I'd already taken Gretchen's first step.
She talks about the seeming conflict between being one's self and 'Fake it till you feel it', another piece of accepted wisdom. One of her commandments is 'Be Gretchen', but another is to 'Act the way I want to feel'. She decided that the 'Fake it till you feel it' approach is fine for changing the mood of the moment, but not for making longer term life decisions. Gretchen quotes W.H. Auden,
"Between the ages of twenty and forty we are engaged in the process of discovering who we are, which involves learning the difference between accidental limitations which it is our duty to outgrow and the necessary limitations of our nature beyond which we cannot trespass without impunity."
"Enjoy the fun of failure" and "Anything worth doing is worth doing badly" are two ideas I constantly have to apply to my running and my sewing, not to mention trying other new things: home decorating ideas, recipes, exercise classes.
I was with a friend the other day whose first language is not English and though he speaks it exceptionally well, writing is more difficult. I told him I had some spare time and he could ask for many more favours than he realised. He said he wasn't used to asking for help. I had to admit I'm not either. That said, most of my ambitions are around developing skills for which I'm thinking classes are the way forward, so that is my plan for getting help.
When she talks about 'enjoy now' she mentions the 'arrival fallacy'. I lived under this delusion for ages - many of us do. We know that things will be better when we turn 16, 18 or 21; we have our own house, have a better job, the kids start school, summer comes, I get this project at work finished... I did finally work out that whatever 'whens' arrive, the wait for 'when' is real life, how it actually is, and likely how it always will be. If I want a different life, I have to change it or me; not wait for something outside there to happen.
Gretchen applies this to work, that people need to enjoy what they are doing while they are waiting for that promotion, that book deal, whatever. In this respect, this is one way in which work and retirement are very different for me: I'm not waiting for anything else to happen so I can be happier. I'm thinking this is pretty much as good as it gets!
Do you feel that you could 'Aim Higher' in some aspect of your life?
For the month of February, Gretchen Rubin (author of the Happiness Project, which I'm re-reading) writes about love. She focuses specifically on her marriage, but also describes throwing an elaborate birthday party for her mother-in-law. It amused me that she referred to her pre-party nerves as 'hostess neurosis'.
She says she wondered whether being so focused on her own happiness was selfish, but then research shows that happy people are more forgiving, helpful, charitable, tolerant and have better self-control. So, I gather a happy person is easier to live with than one who is unhappy. Another quote I loved (her book is full of research findings and quotations) came from Oscar Wilde:
One is not always happy when one is good; but one is always good when one is happy.
I know I nag Bill when I find that the 'clean' dishes aren't really clean, but I sometimes miss spots, too (so he nags me back!) I'm beginning to wonder if we 'need' an automatic dishwasher, or just a special light over the sink? It would be nice to have more compliments on my cooking, but if he doesn't say something I really liked was good then I'm happy to say so myself. I'm just grateful that he eats 99% of things without complaint. As Gretchen discovered was important, most of what I do around this house I do for my own benefit, because I want to or believe it is my responsibility. If I discover that I resent doing something very much and I can't find a way to change my attitude, I generally just stop doing it!
We never have fought very much. I truly believe life is too short for such nonsense. However, we are still getting adjusted to both being retired and sharing the same space virtually 24/7. Well, eight rooms including the kitchen and garage but not the bathroom (cause we don't share it). I'm looking at the size of this house and asking 'How hard can it be?' I did a bit of internet research about adjusting to retirement and found a women's support group that had me in stitches, also counting my blessings; Bill is nothing like any of these men (which is why he is still alive, because I'm not like most of those women either!). It did me a world of good to put things into a better perspective. I think we've always been able to 'fight right', ie about a specific issue, not every grievance that ever occurred all at the same time, and without 'You always/never' accusations. In my view those are teenage tactics; grown ups have discussions.
Regrettably, I did practically nothing but dump on Bill (about my problems at work) for years. It is testament to his character that he didn't just murder me and tell God I died. I might have in his place. It was really Bill's request for this not to continue that caused me to make the leap from work to retirement. It didn't seem sane to keep at a job that not only made me miserable but him as well. Best decision I ever made.
As for giving proofs of love, I think we're pretty good about that, though not generally in the way of wildly dramatic and romantic gestures. I bought him a Valentine's card and he took me out to dinner, which was lovely, as we seldom go out.
Did you do anything special for Valentine's with your sweetie?
I decided to pull out my copy of The Happiness Project and re-read it over the course of this year. I'm not particularly unhappy, but I am the sort of person who is always seeking to improve themself. I don't know at what point this became ingrained in me, it just is and I don't think it's going to go away.
Not that I want to do 'a Happiness Project'; I'm not even exactly sure what one is. I just think Gretchen Rubin proposed an awful lot of really good ideas that I want to read again. For example, she listed her aim in January (that particular January, I guess, but why not every January?) as being 'to boost her energy'. She aimed to do this by
Going to sleep earlier
Exercising better
Tossing, restoring and organising
Tackling a nagging task
Acting more energetic
This chapter of her book discusses the rationale behind this list and the ways in which she approached doing them. I had to smile at re-reading about her de-cluttering efforts. She identified various types of clutter that most of us have had at one time or another:
- Nostalgic: about her earlier life***
- Self-righteous conservation: keeping useful things out of the landfill, even if they weren't useful to her*
- Bargain: purchased only because of the low price, not one of her failings*
- Freebie: gifts, hand-me-downs and giveaways**
- Crutch: comfortable clothes that no one should be seen in***
- Aspirational: craft, household or clothing items she only aspired to, but never did, use****
- Buyer's Remorse: mistake purchases that didn't get returned**
I could identify with everything on her list to a greater (****) or lesser (*) degree. Of course, the way Gretchen writes makes it sound all very logical, straight-forward and even easy. She was after all a lawyer who clerked for Sandra Day O'Connor and she is a very successful author, so she obviously has stacks of self-discipline.
I know I need to go to bed earlier even though it matters not the least what time I get up most mornings: the later I stay up the more likely I am to eat food I don't need after a filling dinner. My body says it's tired and wants rest, I want to stay up and so I feed it to 'give it more energy'.
I started out exercising better but one running club day I had a slightly traumatic visit to the dentist and it threw me off my schedule. I've never been as habitual since. I'm apparently easily knocked off balance these days.
I made a start at filling some charity bags, but when Bill began re-decorating - as we planned - the resulting chaos, well, I don't want to talk about the rest of this. Let's just say I haven't mastered January's list in spite of it almost being February! Gretchen writes about having a checklist where she adds a new habit every week, but it just doesn't work that way for me. Still, they are good ideas. And I enjoy reading about her optimism.
Are there any books you tend to pull out at the start of a new year?
